Take joy in running the race, not trying to win it.

I don't know why I keep avoiding writing a new post. It's not like I've quit or not completed goals. I've been on my computer all week. Why haven't I written, yet?

In any case, I completed last week's goal and am holding steady for my monthly goal. I'm proud of myself! I dropped the reward system. I can't tell if it was working, but anyhow I should be able to do this from motivation from inside myself, not material stimuli. Although, my behavior modification professors would say other wise. It's ok to give yourself a reward, but we are tight tight tight on funds and I just can't always justify spending the money in my head. I do really really need new hiking/running shoes because mine hurt my feet and don't support my high arch properly. I found a decent pair at a discount store, but that was months ago. Maybe they still have 'em. I'll try to check it out mid August. This pay check is purely for rent and bills.

My goal for this week was to complete 25 minutes of physical activity 4 out 7 days. So far so good! I only have one session left to do and will more than likely complete it today. Next week will be the same goal, as I'm trying increase time and number of days at a slow pace. Mostly every 2 weeks. Ultimately I would like to achieve 60 minutes, 6 out 7 days. But like I said, that won't happen over night. I am enjoying my time outdoors as well as not pushing myself so far that I give up to quickly. I am building confidence. That gray cloud hanging over my head has shifted slightly. I really needed that. I needed to feel a little more like myself.

T and I are trying to buy mountain bikes. Well, he already found his, but it seems women's bikes are few and far between. We're using the cash from selling his old truck to the junk yard. We also used it to buy a new blender from costco. That dang pos of mine got on my last nerve. I haven't had a chance to try the new one out yet, but I'll be all of it tomorrow!

Check out this article. It gave me a little reassurance in rewriting the rules.

In it for the long haul...

I've been putting a lot of thought into this 'project.' I desperately want need this to work this time. No more yo-yo dieting or use of 'weight loss aides.' All those things do is shoot your self steam up with short term results then let it fall to the floor with the long term. All that really does is encourage your failings at losing weight and you end up right where you began: over weight and unhappy. I don't want to be that person any more!

I want to be happy again. I want to love and accept myself for who I am. And I don't respect myself for being this weight! I know I can do better than this. I know because I've been there before. When I was in high school I dropped something like 40-50 pounds. I think I bottomed out at 135-140, but it was for the sake of my heath. I mastered the skill of not eating in order to reach that point. Although I went about it the entirely wrong way, I do know from that experience that it is possible for my body to reach that weight. It will be a lot harder this time because of several factors: I'm older, the weight's been there longer, I don't have the resources I've had in the past, my schedule works against me. But I'm going to stand up against all of those and prove to myself that I can find a happy place within myself.

One of my biggest fears is to show up to my 10 year high school reunion weighing more than I did when I graduated. I wore a size 12 when I graduated. I borderline a 20 now. WOAH. That reunion is not as far off in the future as it once was. I can't believe I graduated from high school 6 years ago. There's also my wedding that is on an undetermined date, 2009. I want to feel like a princess on that day. Isn't that ever woman's dream? I won't feel confident if I continue on the path I'm currently on.

So it's time. To do this. It's time to change. Myself. And my ways.